Hiatus

Time to just sit down and write.

There's been a lot on my mind. I just haven't written. And now I can't believe that September completely escaped me, and to tell you the truth, most of the summer.

I was spent. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Just done. I didn't want to add anything else. Even if it was writing. Something I love to do. Something that frees me. I play the martyr a lot. Women are good at the. I'm good at that. And I didn't think I even deserved to be freed. Even by a few minutes of pleasurable happenings or necessary venting. I was down. That place I go to every now and then - isolating, empty, emotionless.

I've shied away from other people's blogs and lives and have been a terrible blog friend as well as real one. So for anyone that has been disappointed in me the last few months - I am sorry.

I started a handful of entries throughout these months that just never got completed. And I composed dozens more in my mind. None of which I can even remember now.

But I can't just jump right back in. It won't feel right without documenting at least a little of what's been going on the few months I've been on hiatus. The good and bad.

8 lb weight gain
jealousy - consuming jealousy
soaking up the sun
moving house or not
feeling numb
empty
nothing to give
wanting to go back to work
almost applying for a job then feeling selfish
demanding
family problems
my Dad, siblings
Mom's birthday
future baby planning
trying to enjoy the now
choirs
finding time
spread thin
Labor Day with family
activities
DI date resulting in strip battleship
using time wisely
fear of a better life
wiping bums all day long - nearly even wiped my husband's during a brief moment of rote insanity
improved hearing tests
bout of measles possibly
rescheduled MRI
auditioning for and making new choir {barely}
Brigham City Peach Days
realizing I need to change my attitude - about music, about callings, about talents
school starting - two kids gone
being spoiled
more piano students
Constitution choir performance
weight loss challenge
Fall drive up to Logan temple
piano students moving
inadequacies
wanting to be involved
elected Head Start Vice-Chair
feeling unintelligent
wanting to give and do more
running here there and everywhere
my oldest is only 4!
what is in store for the future...

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These are obviously very brief descriptions as I try to get caught up, but if there is something anyone wants details on, I will gladly expound.

I've done enough procrastinating. Even if I don't feel like my life is worth documenting, my children's lives are. They deserve that.

Hopefully now I can begin again.

Scatter-Brained

I haven't posted for a while. There has been a lot on my mind - but it is all scattered.

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What do we name our daughter? My top picks: Taryn, Serene, Sunshine, Jeanne... And for what date do we want to schedule her delivery?
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Wondering how well or to what degree I bond with my babies in their fetal state... Wondering what kind of devastation I would feel if I lost one, because I stay so guarded... Thinking about my friend who was due the same week as me, but delivered a few days ago and unfortunately lost her baby... Knowing I would indeed be heartbroken, but still wondering to what degree... It's hard to know how I would react to such a personal loss without having actually gone through it... Praying I never do... Reading through my eloquent friend's blog who recently lost her premature twins, for any good advice to pass on... Crying without warning at random moments...
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Should I wear my glasses today?
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Dreading my c-section and the recovery... But anxious to meet our little girl...
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Trying to find someone to watch my kids when Greg and I both have to work... Wishing we had family close by... Arguing with Greg about my job... Wondering if and when to quit it... Not wanting my superviser to regret having hired me... Feeling numb...
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Should we sell our house? Move back to Arizona? Find a cheap apartment?
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Helping Greg look for jobs... Nothing...
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Thinking about the cycle of service... Sometimes I'm the one that needs it... Like a year ago last winter - baby delivery, Mom passing, gall bladder surgery... Having to put away my pride to ask for and accept help... Sometimes I'm the one that can give it... I like those times... And then sometimes I'm the one that needs it again... Wishing we had family close by...
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Wondering how to get Evan to tell me when he needs to go potty... Constantly being surprised by Zion's recent babbling and the hearty voice that comes out of her petite little mouth...
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What do we name our baby?

Free Day

Today was a free day.

While watching the Super Bowl we saw an ad that we wanted to take advantage of - free Grandslams at Denny's on Tuesday.

Now, normally we don't watch the Superbowl. In fact, I remember as a kid priding myself on being able to say I had never seen a Superbowl Sunday. Instead we would record it and tell our friends at school not to say a word before we could go home and watch it for Family Night. The first Superbowl I watched was with Greg's family after we were married. After that, I decided it's a good excuse to spend some fun family time together. Even still, most years we have opted to keep the t.v. off on Super bowl Sundays just as we would any other Sunday. But this year was special. Heck, the Arizona Cardinals were in the bowl. How often does that happen? I dare say never. So Greg and I enjoyed the thrills of the up and down game.

Hence, the reason we saw the commercial for the free Grand Slam breakfasts.

So this morning when the kids woke up we quickly got dressed. I usually need sustainance first thing in the morning, but I wanted to save my appetite for the yummy pancakes. In my hurry I didn't grab a jacket. That was fine with me because the car would be plenty warm and the restaurant too. We drove down to the Denny's and as we rounded the corner we saw the crowd. The line came out of the front door and wrapped its way around to the back of the building. We debated staying or going, but when a good parking spot opened we decided to take it.

I had a thick coat for Zion in the car, but poor Evan was only in a thin hoody. The sun was shining and warm so as long as it was on me I was okay. My tummy on the other hand was suffering. Luckily, a worker came out with a plate of Pancake Puppies to share with those in the queue.

The kids did amazingly well. It wasn't until an hour later that we finally reached the front doors of the establishment. That's when Evan started to finally go berzerk. He thought that as soon as we got inside we would be able to eat. But there was still a line we had to wait in. Poor guy.

I thought we would be eating breakfast there, but instead it turned out to be lunch. We finally got a table. Hallelujah. Greg said as we were waiting in line that it felt like we were in line at a soup kitchen. I agreed. But a free meal is worth it.

We were brought four Grand Slams. They were yummy, with plenty leftover for breakfast tomorrow. It was almost an all-day adventure, but free is free.

I even went to the dentist this afternoon for a free cleaning. And even better news, I have no cavities. I just have two old fillings that need to be replaced.

It was a grand-slammin' free day.

The Silver Lining

When I'm in the thick of things, it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining. I needed a little reminder today. Because until I hold the babe in my arms, it is often hard for me to like being pregnant, especially near the beginning. Here are a few linings of silver that came to mind:

My face clears up (except this week for some reason)

My hair grows fast and is super thick. This is great because I am attempting to grow it out (and I'll just ignore the fact that hair seems to grow on my face thicker too - I'm not trying to grow that out)

I usually lose weight or am at least able to keep the extra holiday pounds at bay (lost 20 lbs with the first two [you don't want to know how] - 3 so far with this one)

Maternity clothes are cute and comfortable. I pulled out my stash today. It's getting to be about that time.

I have a much easier time falling asleep than normal.

I am no longer emotionally constipated and can let my emotions show at the drop of a hat.

I have a good excuse for not doing the dishes, or anything else for that matter. Playing the pregnancy card can be really great sometimes.

I am feeding life to the child of God that is in me. It's awesome!

An Anniversary

It's been a busy day, and I'm glad. Today is the one year anniversary of the sudden passing of my dear and lovely mother. And so if today were not a busy day then I would be emotionally exhausted with bright red, puffy eyes and an empty box of kleenex. I've had too many of those days this week in preparation for this one. So instead, it was a busy day to keep my mind entertained. A relaxing trip to the temple, visiting a friend in the hospital who just had a beautiful baby boy after finding out only 3 weeks ago that she was pregnant (yup! 9 mos along and didn't know it - wouldn't that be somethin'!), tidying up and napping, then a trip with the kids to the Treehouse Museum where they could run around to their hearts content (just preferably in the same direction since I can't split in half - we're still working on that), and now the house is full of grown men acting like teenagers at a Nintendo party hosted by my very own teenager with grey hair named Greg. I'm sure I will have time tonight to fully inhale and comprehend what my life has been like this past year without my mother as my best friend. But for now, I'm glad for the distractions. Sometimes it is just easier that way.

Thoughts on Losing my Mom

written January 08

My mom is gone

I feel so lost

and just so very alone.

Too much of life

now I must live

motherless, on my own.

My mom is gone,

so strange to say,

she's always been there before;

a telephone call,

a problem to solve,

her helping hand there no more.

"It isn't fair!"

I want to scream,

"I need my mom back Now!"

Why did she leave

without saying goodbye?

I need to hear that somehow.

I am too young

to not have my mom

to help me down life's dark roads.

How do I raise

my innocent kids

without Mom to lighten the load?

How do I teach them

to love my mom,

their Grammy they will never know?

The laughs and smiles,

the cuddly hugs,

the joy shared watching them grow?

I have still so much

I need to learn

from my life's greatest teacher.

Who will I turn to

now in my need?

Oh, I wish that I could reach her.

Why weren't "I love you"

the last words I said?

Did she know it to last forever?

Did she know of my love

and gratitude for

all the time we spent together?

Why don't I only

feel darkness and gloom?

Someone must be saying a prayer.

Surprisingly now,

I feel strong somehow

from those prayers being said somewhere.

I know the ending

so beautiful there,

when reunited we all will be.

But that glorious day

seems so very far;

Yet mere minutes in eternity.

Again we'll embrace

in that long hug I've missed,

with smiles across our faces.

Until then find joy

in the memories;

feel her spirit in so many places.

New Loves

• The musty smell of fresh drywall
• The intoxicating aroma of new paint
• The sound of workers pounding-in new carpet
• The feel of new carpet between my toes
• The lines a vacuum makes in said carpet
• Watching a giddy boy run in circles on those vacuumed lines
  

My Absence

Besides not feeling well, the reason for my absence is this: I was discouraged. I wrote a great big long essay/post that got lost. It was beautiful - poetic and profound. I didn't want to redo it. It was a masterpiece. (I can say that of course, now that it's lost). So I became discouraged and haven't written anything again. But last night a type of encore to my original/lost post happened. So I have decided to try again. I know it won't be as well-written, and that will make me sad. But I'm going to write it again anyway, and include the events from the encore. It might take a while. But I'll be back.

Fourth of Fourth

Something I love lately is looking at other people's blogs. One friend had a fun idea that she found. Go to the fourth album in your pictures folder and pick the fourth picture. Her's was definitely random and funny. I decided to see what I came up with:Not so random or crazy, but definitely worth posting. This is one of a set of pictures from February of this year that I love because Zion is wearing one of my favorite ensembles. The outfit was given to me at my baby shower from my friend that I visit-teach and the darling shoes are from my sister. This is something I can't wait to put my next little girl in again.

I sure love the thoughtfulness of others and their great taste.

An Extra Hour

You know those commercials that say "What would you do with an extra hour in your day?" Well that was today. Since Daylight Savings ends tonight and our clocks "fall back" at 2 am I tried to get my kids used to the idea of a later night tonight rather than an earlier morning tomorrow. We'll see if it worked. So what did we do with an extra hour?

One-on-one time with Evan at Wal Mart picking out Halloween leftovers for next year. In 364 more days, Evan will become a KNIGHT and go on a quest knocking door to door.

Cuddling time with Zion. She is teething or something and has been doing lots of cuddling. I didn't mind since I had an extra hour.

A nap on Greg's lap while he watched football and stroked my hair.

A walk to the park and a dizzying ten minutes teaching Evan to roll down the hill in the grass. It was actually quite magical. He caught on right away. And it was so much fun. Mostly because I was really getting down and dirty playing. I think that was surprising to him. But we both loved it.
(Not so much fun itching afterward though).

An extra long bubble bath.

And we are currently watching Finding Nemo while eating Halloween candy.

I am from Arizona and am still not used to the whole hour-switch-on-and-switch-off idea. It all seems a little unnecessary. But today I really loved having an extra hour to PLAY.

Surprise!

BooYah! is Right!

I didn't expect this to be the first post of my new blog, but that's what I love about surprises. Who would have guessed that today I would be a winner!? 5 BUCKS! BooYah!

I love surprises.

I love the unexpected. I especially love unexpected gifts. I remember the first time I purposefully sought out my hidden Christmas presents before they were neatly wrapped and under the tree. I was probably seven or so and deep within the confines of my Mom's massive walk-in closet I saw it. A box of glow-in-the-dark K'Nex building blocks. Awesome! But the excitement soon turned to regret and the regret soon turned to dread. How was I to act surprised Christmas morning when I wouldn't be? Could I pull it off? The guilt of that Christmas has never gone away and I determined immediately that the suspense is worth so much more than the torment of a spoiled gift. My husband on the other hand loves to sneak around before the major gift-giving holidays. Not only does he sneak with his eyes and hands, but with his words. This is where he has discovered he can gain the most headway. Because I am a terrible liar.
I love surprise parties.
When I was 15 my mother threw us a surprise birthday party. What a trip. The feeling of it is still so surreal. Friends from school gathered in our living room in the middle of summer. To "Jam" (the term my mom put on the invitations. Funny mother trying to be hip on the lingo and failing miserably). So much work goes into a surprise party.
I love surprise party planning.

That was my mom's gift to us. All that effort coming together for the final climax of "SURPRISE!" shouted toward the doorway. What a rush. What a great gift. What a great gift of love. I hope to make such an effort for my own kids. Which birthday? They'll never know. Because there is nothing that says "I Love You" better than the echoing pulse of

SURPRISE