There's been a lot on my mind. I just haven't written. And now I can't believe that September completely escaped me, and to tell you the truth, most of the summer.
I was spent. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Just done. I didn't want to add anything else. Even if it was writing. Something I love to do. Something that frees me. I play the martyr a lot. Women are good at the. I'm good at that. And I didn't think I even deserved to be freed. Even by a few minutes of pleasurable happenings or necessary venting. I was down. That place I go to every now and then - isolating, empty, emotionless.
I've shied away from other people's blogs and lives and have been a terrible blog friend as well as real one. So for anyone that has been disappointed in me the last few months - I am sorry.
I started a handful of entries throughout these months that just never got completed. And I composed dozens more in my mind. None of which I can even remember now.
But I can't just jump right back in. It won't feel right without documenting at least a little of what's been going on the few months I've been on hiatus. The good and bad.
8 lb weight gain
jealousy - consuming jealousy
soaking up the sun
moving house or not
feeling numb
empty
nothing to give
wanting to go back to work
almost applying for a job then feeling selfish
demanding
family problems
my Dad, siblings
Mom's birthday
future baby planning
trying to enjoy the now
choirs
finding time
spread thin
Labor Day with family
activities
DI date resulting in strip battleship
using time wisely
fear of a better life
wiping bums all day long - nearly even wiped my husband's during a brief moment of rote insanity
improved hearing tests
bout of measles possibly
rescheduled MRI
auditioning for and making new choir {barely}
Brigham City Peach Days
realizing I need to change my attitude - about music, about callings, about talents
school starting - two kids gone
being spoiled
more piano students
Constitution choir performance
weight loss challenge
Fall drive up to Logan temple
piano students moving
inadequacies
wanting to be involved
elected Head Start Vice-Chair
feeling unintelligent
wanting to give and do more
running here there and everywhere
my oldest is only 4!
what is in store for the future...
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These are obviously very brief descriptions as I try to get caught up, but if there is something anyone wants details on, I will gladly expound.
I've done enough procrastinating. Even if I don't feel like my life is worth documenting, my children's lives are. They deserve that.
Hopefully now I can begin again.
8 comments:
Wow Tasha!! What an incredible month/summer of emotions, worries and successes!!
I would love to hear more about improved hearing tests!! That sounds amazing. There were a lot of things on your list I'm curious to hear more about actually. I always LOVE reading your blog. You truly are a great writer.
Hope life starts getting better for ya!!!
What is "fear of a better life"?
I love your blog. Too bad we don't live close, I think we would have lots to talk about. I recognize most of those things on your list. You don't have to explain them to me, unfortunately, although I'd love to hear your thoughts on any and all of them when you feel up to it.
Big hug.
Sorry Tash. I must be a bad sister because I didn't know you were going through most of this stuff - well the fun stuff I knew, but you don't have to be afraid to talk about deeper stuff too. I don't want you to ever feel lonely. Love you.
it's hard to be a mom to a lot of littles. they are overwhelming at times. You are not alone. We all feel this way. At moments of weakness, take out a piece of paper and literally write down the things that are good... enough money for meals, enough toilet paper, a faithful husband, great eyelashes, etc. I've been there. I know.
Your life IS worth documenting. every one of us feels these emotions/stresses at one point of our life or another. I think that sometimes it is easy for us to read other peoples blogs and think there lives are perfect. And it is hard being a mom because most of the time you don't get to see the immediate results of your work. Being spread thin is one of my issues as of late- it is exhausting. I get frustrated that I can't do the things I want to do. but i figure there is a time and season for all things and I better enjoy the one I"m in now before it's too late. I think you are one of the most talented and smart people I've known in my life. I hope you have a better month or two. sorry for the insanely long comment. :0)
Thank you all so much for you comments and concerns. I feel a little silly because I didn't post this with the intent of getting a lot of attention. In fact, that's why I put off writing for so long because I didn't want to write downer entries and have people worrying. But I know that we all go through times like this - at least I know I certainly do. But I am doing much better now, that's why I was finally able to get it all down. I'll go back and expound on the easier requests this week.
Devan, you hit the biggie right on the head. That one might take me a little longer to get clear enough in my mind to get it onto paper. It's a little more current and raw than the others. You know how to pick the deep ones.
I had noticed your blogging silence and had meant to comment to you about the loss but never did. I'm sorry. We are here for you with lots of love. We are all better individuals because of your honesty and your ability to put into words the feelings many of us don't have the courage to write ourselves. I love you!
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