Repercussions

June. Seriously? It’s been since June? How depressing!

I really did get sucked in.

As it turns out, we discovered that we could qualify for a house sooner than we had expected. So the house hunting took on real meaning and I’ve wasted my summer away, looking, comparing, envisioning, researching, offering… offering… Offering… OFFERING.

Literally offering on 50 or more homes -- sometimes 6 a day.

And each week thinking surely – surely – this is the week we’ll get something. Then I can announce it on the blog and start writing again and life will be so dandy and wonderful.

But it just hasn’t happened. All those offers – those many many many, good, WAY-above-asking-price offers, for naught. Each one beat out by a cash investor. How are we to compete with that?

It’s been disheartening to say the least. Especially to see the types of homes we started our search looking at,  raise 20 -- 40 –- 60 THOUSAND dollars in value just in the last few months.

{sigh} 

{double sigh}

Zion has been coming home from school each day with drawings to show me. I take a glance at them, give a smile, and then toss them in the trash. I probably threw away a good dozen or more before I finally looked. Finally saw what it was that she was drawing.

 

Houses.

Sweet, little, colorful, houses with lots of doors because we need lots of rooms.

I hadn’t looked.

I hadn’t realized.

I had not considered the impact of my actions.

My desire to give my kids a better life has instead left them without one at all.

And these last few months have sadly gone undocumented. All the cute things they’ve said or done, have faded in the distance behind me as I’ve focused all my attention on a computer’s screen.

 

I hope to update at least some of the photographed memories and back date them for historical accuracy.

But for now, I’m shutting down the housing MLS portal.

               Stepping away from the keyboard.

                                           And going to make cookies with my beautiful, talented, little artist.

I think I’ll even plan a date with my husband for Friday night.

One that doesn’t involve walking through any empty houses.

Reaching for the Stars

Do you ever have so many dreams and expectations that “just being a mom” doesn’t seem quite good enough? I know, I know, being a mom is the most important thing a woman can do; it’s a noble and righteous calling. But what about Joan of Arc, Madam Curie, Helen Keller or Eleanor Roosevelt? I’ve always wanted to be more. They say the sky is the limit, so naturally I want the stars.

When people ask “What will you be when you grow up?” I used to answer, a dancer, a soccer player, etc. Now I answer an architect or a pediatrician. I want to work for the CIA or the FBI. I’m going to be a world known ambassador who has the gift of tongues and can help solve problems with her vast knowledge. I want to be wise and smart, but playful and fun. I want to go beyond the limits - set new expectations. I want to invent a cure for cancer, patch the whole in the ozone layer, talk to dolphins and discover the mysteries of the rain forest. Then, I’ll be the first woman on Mars and invent the rocket that gets us there. I’ll work at NASA. I’ll be in the government - first woman president. Then I’ll go perform on Broadway. I’ll help the orphans in Africa and then...then I’ll learn to fly, fly with the birds, fly with the wind...on my own power.

If the sky is the limit...I want the stars.

I will be quoted like President Hinckley. I’ll stand up for my country just like Joan of Arc. I’ll score the winning goal at the World Cup finals. I will do great. I will be great. And when I’ve done all that, there will be only one thing greater...to be a God. And the only way to do that, will be to follow Heavenly Fathers plan, which means...I will be a mom. I guess He must know best - He is a God. So I won’t just be a mom, I’ll be a heavenly mother in training.

So all this time, when I’ve thought about reaching for the stars, well, now the plan, is to be the one who creates those stars.

…

Wish I could take credit for this. It was actually written by a 15-year-old (Erin Maxwell, whose mother spoke at a BYU Women’s Conference class I attended a few years ago)! Incredible! I think about it often when motherhood occasionally becomes something less than what I think it should be. I thought it appropriate to share today.

Happy Mother’s Day!

To Cap it all Off

Mothers Who Know Final Day 7

Mothers Who Know Stand Strong and Immovable

I've learned a lot this week about myself as a mother. I've seen some of the good things I am doing and I've definitely recognized those that I need to work on. But overall, I have gained a testimony about the importance of each of the points Sis. Beck illustrates.

I want my children to know that I do know that we are children of our Heavenly Father. That He has a divine plan for us. That He wants us to find joy. That He loves us. That He sacrificed His son for us, that we might find that joy through repentance. I hope the cleanliness (or lack thereof) of my kitchen doesn't deter anyone from believing that I do know. And I hope my children will say of me:

We do not doubt our mother knew it.

Less is More

Mothers Who Know Day 6

Mothers Who Know Do Less

And so I shall.
Good Night.

Rah Rah Rah

Mothers Who Know Day 5
Mothers Who Know Are Teachers

Mothers who know are
always
teachers.
Since they are not babysitters,
they are never off duty.

Remember the good ol' days of babysitting? Sacrificing a few hours of my weekend to play with kids and get paid for it. What a great job. Granted, it was only $1.50 an hour with housekeeping included, but it was something. And I could tell the parents that everything went fine even though the kids ran around like animals, the house plants all spilled, they didn't eat their dinner, I let them stay up way past their bedtime, and eat popcorn and ice cream to boot. And then I was off the clock and could go home and cuddle up in my bed and have a restful evening.

Now I'm always on duty. On call each and every one of the 525,600 minutes in the year. And as Sis. Beck says, this means that I am constantly available as a teacher to my children.

Lately my teaching seems sporadic. What my days mostly comprise of is maybe teaching, or showing, or demonstrating something once and then spending the rest of the day as a cheerleader. My kids are becoming more independent and want to do things themselves. This means that my current job is to offer constant encouragement. "Keep trying Evan" or "Good job Zion" roll off my lips consistently.

Everyone deserves a cheerleader. I didn't realize how rewarding it is to have someone cheering you on until one day when we were in the car and I changed lanes. Suddenly I hear from the back seat, "Nice driving Mama." "Thanks Evan," with a HUGE smile on my face. Since then, I've gotten lots of "Keep trying Mama"s, "Yea Mama!"s, and "Good Job Mama"s.

I may not get my $1.50 an hour any more.
But I get a cheerleader.
And I taught him that.

favorite part of this paragraph from Sis. Beck that I didn't address but wanted to share:

"Think of the power of our future missionary force if mothers considered their homes as a pre–missionary training center. Then the doctrines of the gospel taught in the MTC would be a review and not a revelation. That is influence; that is power."

Following the Leader

Mothers Who Know Day 4

Mothers Who Know Are Leaders

In elementary school being a leader meant team captain on the football field at recess. I was good at that. In junior high it meant leading the boy on the dance floor in order to save my toes. In high school it meant serving on the seminary council and joining club after club to get my picture in the yearbook as many times as possible. It was easy to be a leader as a kid. Is that weird? Kids are so good at following. They hang on your knee and walk in the tracks of your snow boots. They say what you say; they pick their nose if you happen to; they wear your over-sized shoes; and discipline their siblings like you do. And yet, it seems so much easier to be a leader as a kid or adolescent than it does now. At least the kind of leader I always thought.

Mothers who know build children into future leaders and are the primary examples of what leaders look like.

I wouldn't consider myself a leader. I'm not in any leadership position in church. I don't help my community, or volunteer in schools. And yet, I am to be the "primary example" of what a leader looks like.

In equal partnership with their husbands, they lead a great and eternal organization. These mothers plan for the future of their organization. They plan for missions, temple marriages, and education. They plan for prayer, scripture study, and family home evening.

It's so much simpler than volunteering in the community or organizing great social events. Yet so much harder. Leadership has always meant something tangible, something I could see immediate results for. The leadership Sis. Beck describes seems much more difficult because the process is so slow. Yet so simple. That is something I struggle with -the simple things. Put me in charge of an organization that requires hours of manpower and hard work before its project's reveal date and I'm your woman. Put me in charge of an organization that requires a little here and a little there of the simple things and I fall short.

But this is the kind of planning and execution my little "organization" requires. The steps are there - laid out so simply.

Leadership now means leading by example. And I can do that.

Sortta in Orduh

Mothers Who Know Day 3Mothers Who Know Are Nurturers

"Mothers who know create a climate for spiritual and temporal growth in their homes. Another word for nurturing is homemaking. Homemaking includes cooking, washing clothes and dishes, and keeping an orderly home."

sigh.... this is where I KNOW I fall short. But I also KNOW that when the house is clean, I am a much happier mother. And when I am a happier mother my children are happier. And when we are all happier then the spirit is much more abundant. I do KNOW that. It's just hard to do it day after day. And it seems that after I clean the house and take a break to relax, I turn around a moment later and it looks like a disaster again. But I will keep trying. Because I do KNOW.

"Nurturing mothers are knowledgeable, but all the education women attain will avail them nothing if they do not have the skill to make a home that creates a climate for spiritual growth. Growth happens best in a 'house of order.' Nurturing requires organization, patience, love, and work."

Phew! --- now I can breathe. I sure love a Clean Kitchen!

Now I just need to tackle this! --------->>

I Love to See the Temple

Mothers Who Know Day 2

Mothers Who Know Honor Sacred Ordinances and Covenants

I like how Sis. Beck begins this paragraph by speaking of Sacrament Meetings. That's where it starts. That 70 minutes filled with spiritual upliftment, renewing of covenants, and of course, screaming children. I imagine my next ten years of sacrament meetings being more of the same - wrestling, entertaining, grabbing, bouncing, comforting, encouraging. Hallelujah for Nursery. But even though the meeting minutes tick by I still know how important each second is in the upbringing of my kids. They are the basics for my children. And once they understand what the sacrament represents, I am hopeful their chapel experiences will be more sedated. Because as we point our children toward the chapel then beyond that is the temple. And as Sis. Beck says, "Mothers know that if they are not pointing their children to the temple, they are not pointing them toward desired eternal goals."And I want my children to experience the joy of those eternal goals and feel the LOVE of the Savior by honoring those covenants.

Eighteen's Enough

Mothers Who Know Day 1
Mothers Who Know Bear Children

"How many kids do you want when you grow up?" "EIGHTEEN." My answer was always emphatic. I knew what I wanted. Granted, I was only 7 or 8 when I set my mind on that number - and a year or two later would find me drastically altering it - but to this day my family still reminds me of my naivety with a little elbow jab.

"Faithful daughters of God desire children."

Every little girl dreams of being a Mommy. It is our nature. Our mothers are our world and why wouldn't we want to have the world? It's not until we grow up that some lose that innate desire. Perhaps it's the consequence of a shattered childhood or a wreckless adolescence or a selfish adulthood that the desire fades in many. But the faithful know. Their desire remains.

It's a funny thing this desire. It has made me ache through years of infertility, puke all nine months of gestation, writhe in agony from delivery, throw tantrums of exhaustion -- and yet, I want to do it again. That desire so easily overshadows and erases all the negatives. It's amazing.

“In the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.”

But even with such a strong desire, sometimes I look at what I do and think "Is this it? This is what it's all about? hm... I expected something a little different. Where is the grandeur, the recognition, the praise? Isn't that what I should be looking for?" Call it the natural man in me - I can't help it, sometimes it's there - but that's where my mind wanders at times. Then a visiting teacher, or a Relief Society lesson, or a sister will bring me back to reality. Reality is usually such a negative word, but really this reality is a dream. It's a dream that I am a Mom. It doesn't seem real at all. I keep waiting to wake up. It's a dream that this is a life-long calling. My goodness. Can that really be true? I can't wrap my brain around it - it must be a dream. It's a dream that my baby is talking and my other baby is walking. They were infants just a moment ago. This can't be real. I'm dreaming. And though this is a reality, it all happens in a dream-like haze.

"There is eternal influence and power in motherhood."

Every mother has a story. I didn't really understand that until I suddenly had my own. It's the oddest thing. The stories are good or bad or ugly (or usually all three). Should I feel less success as a mother because I used an epidural or because I delivered in a hospital rather than my own bed? Is the story of my children's existence less profound because I couldn't do it on my own? Sometimes I think that. Knowing that I would be dead on some wagon trail 150 years ago makes me wonder. I've banned myself from watching "A Baby Story" on TLC because I can't help the sobbing. I always thought I'd get to experience that sensation of pressure that tells my body when to push. That my newborn infant would be placed in my arms moments after birth instead of only getting to sneak a moment's glance behind a curtain while my arms are strapped to a gurney. For me, that isn't supposed to be the way I bear my children. In fact, sometimes I have to catch myself living in a memory of normal childbirth. It seems so real, but it is only the memory I've conjured up in my fantasies since childhood. It's almost like when I think I've done something as a kid but it ended up that it was my twin sister. Her memories are mine. And like that, my fantasies have become my memories at times. But it gives me strength to know that I'm not dead on a wagon trail. I'm here and by the marvels of modern medicine, have two beautiful children to show for it. They are a huge success story. And I'm not ashamed. I am alive. And so are they.

I don't think it's an accident that the Lord uses the word JOY in two specific references. We are commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth that [we] might find JOY in [our] posterity" and "Men are that they might have JOY". So it's not just that we are commanded to bear children, but that is why we "are". We "are" here to have JOY and that JOY comes through our posterity. To have JOY we have to find it. And we find JOY through our children.

I know not everyone is blessed to have children. And at times I thought I would fall in those ranks. So I love what Sis. Beck says in that regard: "Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child (see 1 Samuel 1:11), the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection (see D&C 130:18). Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality."

That is what I KNOW and now I'm putting it to the test. And who knows - maybe eighteen isn't too many after all (feel the elbow jab).

Get Ready

After writing a birthday message about my dear sister Deanna and talking about how she is a "mother who knows" I began to reflect on how much I know as a mother. And do I show what I know through the ways Sis. Beck suggests? So.... starting tomorrow - get ready for

MOTHERS WHO KNOW WEEK

Stay tuned.... You won't want to miss it.