Healthy and Happy

I've heard it a hundred times and from just as many people.


"I just want my children to be healthy and happy."


And while I have always robotically agreed with that statement, I never fully grasped the depth of sincerity it implies, until this last week.

We spent three days in the hospital. And each one was riddled with wheezing gasps for air from my struggling baby while I watched in agony, completely helpless. Over the weekend her breathing had gotten worse and worse until I could have sworn that each breath was going to be her last. Her usual playful self was nowhere to be found and she became extremely lethargic. So we entered the hospital. Once hooked up to an oxygen and heart rate monitor it became apparent how imperative it was that we be there. The majority of our stay, her heart was beating 60-120 beats TOO FAST, and without being hooked up to oxygen, it was even faster.

I have never felt so stressed out about something I had absolutely no control over. It is such a trying situation. And difficult to put into words. But there is nothing so heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting as watching your child suffer and not having it within your power to save her. Mom's are supposed to be superheroes. But the only super power I could give her was a mother's gentle embrace. And it tore me apart.

Day two in the hospital was by far her worst. Her racing heart beat soared even higher and the breathing tubes were not enough. Instead an oxygen mask was needed. {Now that is an impossible thing for a 6 month old baby to wear.} So miserable for both of us. But after a few hours she was back to only needing the tubes. Thank goodness.

By day three, her spirits were high and the nurses could finally get that smile they had been digging for. Her breathing was still a little uneasy, so we got to come home with an oxygen tank in tow. And home had never looked so grand.

Sometimes, after having a baby it takes a while for it to feel like that infant is really a part of the family - that you're not just babysitting for an extended amount of time. I get used to having just one child, then there's two. Then I get used to two, and then there's three. And while I am always so thrilled to welcome a new spirit into our home, it definitely does take a few months for it to really set in. Greg and I were talking about this after Taryn came home from the hospital. We agreed that after this experience, Taryn is absolutely a vital and integral piece to our eternal family. If we had lost her... well... there aren't really words... and... we didn't. And thank heavens for that. Because there is no way our family would ever be the same. We no longer feel like her babysitters. She is ours through thick and thin. And I'm no longer surprised when I tell someone that I have three children. I have three children. It isn't 2 + 1. It's 3. I love them each as the precious individuals that they are and the important roles they play.

And more than anything, I want them to be healthy and I want them to be happy.



p.s. I started writing this last week (Jan 11) after being home from the hospital for a few days and getting rid of the oxygen. But life happened and I am finishing it today.
p.p.s. Taryn had bronchialitis - something often caused by RSV, but not in her case. It constricts the airways and makes it very difficult to breathe. Luckily it's one-two punch only lasts 3-5 days and she is totally better now.