Keeping it Real

I don’t know what my deal is.

I go in these waves.

Waves where I ache for validation.

Yearn for recognition.

Demand appreciation.

 

Even though I know. Even though I am fully confident that I am where I need to be – it doesn’t make it less challenging. And the funny thing is, it’s not even all that hard. I mean, who complains about a full-time job that allows daily naps, making cookies, never wearing a bra if you don’t want to, going to the park, reading a book, pajama days, watching movies, sneaking snacks, and playing games? Really, how selfish am I?! It’s not so much the physical aspects of being a SAHM that are so draining, as it is the mental and emotional challenges.

There is nothing glamorous about not wearing a bra. There is nothing dignified in crawling around on the floor. Nothing rewarding about scrubbing vomit from the carpet or poop from baby clothing.

And yet it’s what I chose. What I wanted… What I want. 

My Grandpa says I’m smart - says I could be a millionaire if I stopped having kids. I don’t pretend to claim that is true. But sometimes it makes me think. And then I feel stuck. And resentful. And useless.

And… well… I don’t like any of that.

So instead, I look for validation. And find it in the most unlikely of places. And cry, while reading to my boy, as we ditch church, because he’s sick, and puking, while both in our pajamas - a lovely story from a children’s magazine.

A validating one.