I finally let myself think about it, and quickly realized why I hadn't yet.
I was at choir practice. Did you know I love music? It's a passion of mine that I don't often get to indulge in any more. But just like any passion a parent has, I love to share it with my children. I want to instill in them a love for music. So we sing Primary songs at the piano and lullabies at night. They seem to love it as much as I. And I am so happy.
But while singing Lex de Azevedo's beautiful arrangements last night and listening to his piano playing, I broke into tears and couldn't get a single note out.
She can't hear!
She may never know the beauty of music; the emotion that a well-composed modulation can stir; the awe that comes from hearing a talented soprano hit a high C; or the calming exhilaration of blending harmonies.
My baby keeps failing her hearing screens. She's had five now. Apparently she can't hear anything from her right ear, and she can only hear the highest and lowest tones from her left. Most speech falls in the middle tones. There are still more tests to be done to determine the exact tones and sounds she can hear.
And so I have decided not to really think about it until those more comprehensive tests are performed. I suppose I prefer denial.
But last night I couldn't help it. And I cried all the way home while listening to music on the radio.
I can learn sign language and speak with her that way. It could be fun.
But how will I communicate a love for music if she can't hear the beautiful melodies?
When she was just a few days old, I wrote her a lullaby. It's a melody I have had in my head for years, but was unable to put it all together until I was rocking her to sleep one day.
It is her very own lullaby, reserved only for her. Taryn's Lullaby.
And she seems to love it. Her crying ceases and she will doze into peaceful slumber after a few verses.
Maybe she can't hear it. But somehow she can sense the calming embrace of the melody.
And I realize that though it may be in a different way,
she can still love music
just as I do.
I was at choir practice. Did you know I love music? It's a passion of mine that I don't often get to indulge in any more. But just like any passion a parent has, I love to share it with my children. I want to instill in them a love for music. So we sing Primary songs at the piano and lullabies at night. They seem to love it as much as I. And I am so happy.
But while singing Lex de Azevedo's beautiful arrangements last night and listening to his piano playing, I broke into tears and couldn't get a single note out.
She can't hear!
She may never know the beauty of music; the emotion that a well-composed modulation can stir; the awe that comes from hearing a talented soprano hit a high C; or the calming exhilaration of blending harmonies.
My baby keeps failing her hearing screens. She's had five now. Apparently she can't hear anything from her right ear, and she can only hear the highest and lowest tones from her left. Most speech falls in the middle tones. There are still more tests to be done to determine the exact tones and sounds she can hear.
And so I have decided not to really think about it until those more comprehensive tests are performed. I suppose I prefer denial.
But last night I couldn't help it. And I cried all the way home while listening to music on the radio.
I can learn sign language and speak with her that way. It could be fun.
But how will I communicate a love for music if she can't hear the beautiful melodies?
When she was just a few days old, I wrote her a lullaby. It's a melody I have had in my head for years, but was unable to put it all together until I was rocking her to sleep one day.
It is her very own lullaby, reserved only for her. Taryn's Lullaby.
And she seems to love it. Her crying ceases and she will doze into peaceful slumber after a few verses.
Maybe she can't hear it. But somehow she can sense the calming embrace of the melody.
And I realize that though it may be in a different way,
she can still love music
just as I do.
10 comments:
oh tash. i'm not going to try and even pretend to understand how you feel. i cried just reading the post let alone living the post.
i just want to tell you that in our last stake we had a deaf branch. if you can you should go to a sacrament meeting in a deaf branch. you will find that not hearing does not keep people from feeling music -- maybe even in the same way we do as hearers. watching those deaf members sit together and sign hymns was one of the most incredible experiences i've had with music and with the Spirit. i don't know -- just don't underestimate the power of music and the power of the Spirit to be able to reach past human senses like hearing. and who knows...maybe taryn will help us all love music in a new way.
my heart and prayers are with you at the thought of such a challenge as this one. but i don't doubt one bit that you are completely capable of rising to it. you are a great mom tasha. and i love you.
I didn't know you wrote her a song. That is really neat. Can I hear it some time? We are thinking of you and praying that Taryn cooperates at her next appointment.
Also, I love Olivia's comments.
When I read your post I kept thinking about the movie "Mr Holland's Opus"...that character loved music too, and his son was deaf. He came up with a lot of ways to teach his son the love of music and taught him how to participate with music. She will love learning that from you.
Let me know when the test at Primarys is so I can watch Zion & Evan. Even if it is at night I can just come sit at the house while they sleep. I'd love to help in any way I can. Our prayers are with you.
Oh Tasha, my heart goes out to you. I can't even begin to imagine how this must feel for you. You are such an amazing person, I have no doubt that you will get through this. Please know that you are in our prayers and let me know if there is anything we can do to help.
Tasha, I am so sorry to hear that and will pray for your family that everything works out.
My heart truly goes out to you and your family. I am amazed and in awe at your strength and positive outlook. You are a rock, Tasha!
Oh, Sweet Tasha. I know how emotional I get whenever there is an issue with any of my kids, this must be so emotionally draining for you! I love that you wrote a song for sweet Taryn. She feels your song, for sure.
A good friend of mine has a son who is deaf in one ear & 20% in another (or something like that). He is 6 years old now, and is doing incredible things! If you are interested, check out this blog about him... http://mjhemingway.blogspot.com/2009/03/boys.html
We will be praying for you & your precious daughter. You are amazing.
Tasha, you are such a beautiful writer. I cried through the last 3 posts. I didn't know Taryn had any troubble passing her hearing test. I wish I could express my feelings in writing as well as you and your sisters. I know this is a struggle for you. Know that we love you. You are amazing! I know you will find a way to share your love for music with her.
oh wow tash. I can't even imagine. but I bet you're right--she can feel the embrace of a melody. I'd love to hear that song sometime, if you don't mind. That's so cool.
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