I have never spanked or hit my children and hoped that I never would. Believe me, I have wanted to - oh have I wanted to - many times. And I knew this day would eventually come because it's hard to shake the examples of your youth. But I didn't want that to be my excuse. And it isn't, and shouldn't be.
But I betrayed myself today when my open palm slapped the soft, precious, and innocent cheek of my two-year-old. Ugh... I don't really want to think about it. That look of horror and complete betrayal etched in every line of her beautiful eyes still flashes through my mind. And it breaks my heart.
Did my mom feel this wretched each time she layed a hand on me? Did she replay that look of "Monster" coming from my big bluish-green eyes, over and over just as I have been doing? Did she hold me and hold me and hold me and never want to let go once her tempest had calmed and period of remorse had set in?
Children are so forgiving. It is absolutely amazing the unconditional love they bestow. It is undeserved. And has made me feel all the more guilty. But in many ways I am glad to be learning this lesson now. I never want to feel this unworthy again. And I hope to impart that same unconditional love showed to me, no matter what the circumstance. Even if she scatters the hundreds of little hair rubber bands all over the floor for the dozenth time again. Love is what she deserves, and patience is what I will demonstrate.
What a learning process motherhood is. There is nothing that reveals your weaknesses as quickly or strengthens your resolve so sincerely. And I am glad for that.
3 comments:
Her sweet eyes look just like yours! :)
Ah, yes, motherhood is def. a learning process, that's for sure!
I've felt what your describing. And yes, I've learned too that it can bring out emotions in you (good or bad) that you didn't know existed!
She is a doll!
I agree that motherhood is a learning process and I too am grateful for unconditional love from my kids. They truly are loving and forgiving aren't they? Precious children sent from heaven and we as moms are here to take care of them. Aren't WE the lucky ones?!
You are a wonderful mom Tasha!! I can tell.
So true. Been there. Wish I hadn't.
I often think of how I have evolved as a mother. I was pretty clueless at the beginning. -- A lot of times I wish I could just go back and start over with the knowledge I have gained through the years.
Still learning.
Still (and forever) grateful for repentance and forgiveness! Children truly are gifts.
Good luck! Wow, you're amazing.
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